The NSHN Forum UK
NSHN Forum Support & On Topic Forums. Some additional boards are viewable to members only => Survivor Room => Topic started by: Louise on November 13, 2014, 05:14:28 PM
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Hi
I don't post on here anymore really, as I am no longer an "active" self harmer and haven't been for a while.
But I'm going to be trying some new treatment soon for what *IS* wrong with me and I wondered if anyone had any experiences to share.
Following my last post re my not having depression, or BPD, or being a victim of abuse or anything like that, I had a few months trying to decide whether I was a person who could ever change, who could function correctly within society or ever experience true, proper, non manipulative emotions. Having decided the answer was no, I ended up getting some medical attention in hospital earlier in the week and yeatersay spoke to a nice experienced psychiatric nurse (who was not freaked out by the absence of reason, or crying, or the fact I was not an emotional wreck) who suggested a new kind of "therapy" he thought could actually help me.
He said it was psychoanalytic therapy- which obviously I've since googled ;-) I should stress i am ready to engage with this. I am obviously cynical however the reason I took the thought out, considered choice to end my own life was because I had reached the end if my tether. I can't cope with the person I am so if there is a genuine possibility of altering myself in some way, I want to try it.
Has anybody had any experience? As I say, read all the general internet stuff bit obviously that is never a match for personal experience.
Thanks in advance.
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I don't have personal experience of that 'brand' of therapy, and a forum search doesn't turn up much. Sometimes they say the characteristics of the therapist are more important in terms of likely engagement from your perspective. Were you given a leaflet or anything like that? If you're ready to engage then perhaps the first session is a good starting point to ask about the approach before you get into any heavy lifting, as it were. That and you shouldn't be afraid to challenge your therapist now and then.
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Sadly there was no leaflet. It is now just under 2 weeks since I was discharged and the only reason I heard anything at all was because my husband phoned around various places trying to chase up what was going on....
I am not overly optimistic now...I have an initial "assessment" booked in mid January at the same place I had some frankly pointless CBT treatment about 7 years ago (referrals here go by the GP postcode rather than your home postcode). It's all a little disappointing to be honest. I am still in the exact same frame of mind as I was when I made my unsuccessful attempt (not looking for support, just saying) and the thought of a 2 month wait for the same irrelevant "understanding thinking traps" type therapy is just depressing.
I do not mean that CBT is useless. Far from it. Just that it is not conducive to my personal recovery because it does not treat my particular problem. I would not say I was particularly hopeful following my recent admission, but given the apparent understanding of the nurse I saw I was interested in my options and willing to "try". So I feel a little palmed off by this.
The melodramatic side of me is seeing this as "no one understands. No one can help you. You are just an evil person and the universe is better off without you". But I am attempting to ignore that ridiculous side for now.
It is just difficult to believe I allowed myself to be duped into thinking people could help (and therefore allowing them to treat me for the actions I took) when it is sounding suspiciously like a repeat of the last 10 years :-/
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I have had Cognitive Analytic Therapy which uses the concept of thinking traps or unhelpful thought processes developed in childhood. I have found it helpful. The process helped me understand myself better, why I think as I do and how that affects my mood. I finished the formal therapy a couple of months ago and should have a review soon. I am continuing to refer to what I learned and try not to allow myself to slip into the downward spirals and assumptions that I am inclined towards. It isn't easy but I think for me tackling my problems at a deeper"cognitive" level rather than just trying to alter behaviour without examining why (cbt) is the right approach.
I'm sorry you are having to wait so long for an assessment but I would encourage you to give it a go. X x
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Are you familiar with CCI (http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au)? My therapist has given me some of their worksheets (e.g. here (http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/minipax.cfm?mini_ID=14) and here, (http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm) not to say I'm great at doing therapy 'homework.'
I've not had CBT, personally. The first psychologist I saw some years back inferred there were questions as to its long-term effectiveness. I don't know if this holds true today.
It's one of those therapies that people know the abbreviation, but perhaps not the detail. I don't mean you, but a certain online newspaper recently had a column calling it a scam. Many of the public may hold a similar position on most therapies.
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BA i've used that CCI stuff and it is supposed to be based on CBT. I did find it very useful though and have been SH free for something like 2 years now (the fact i'm not entirely sure is proof in the recovery really) but i think perhaps you need to identify the problem in order to follow a program. Except the self esteem one i found applied to me when i didn't think that waas my problem.
Worth having a proper look at them Louise
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Thank you for the replies.
Only just over a week til my initial assessment now...I think the honesty thing is going to be a little difficult but my main concern is that I won't "click" with the therapist. I have a huge issue with people talking down to me and failing to see that I am actually perfectly self aware already....I do not act on 99.9999% of my wants/desires/thoughts hence why I am not in prison or living on the street, so a patronizing speech on how to cope with your emotions and not always act on them really isn't appropriate.
I am hoping that they will be open minded (seeing as I am really trying to keep an open mind about this too!) and not have assumptions about me before I have even opened my mouth (after all, I am female and used to cut myself so never mind having a successful career, being married etc, I am clearly an emotional wreck who just needs coping mechanisms, right? ;-)
Not looking forward to asking for time off work for it, considering just taking it as a holiday but then if it turns into some weekly thing then I am going to need to rethink that...it's awkward, my job is something I enjoy, am good at, and gives me satisfaction, so jeopardizing that for the sake of "talking" about myself seems a little counterproductive - a healthy mind is important, but my mind would never be healthy if I was at at home all day or working a dead end job, so it is not as simple as it sounds.
Still....have to give it a go I guess.
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Let us know how you get on.
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It has been odd.
I have a session on Monday (taking a day's holiday at peak time in my industry, never a winner!).
I have been moved around a lot since the initial referral. It appears (as I already knew) that I am not suffering from clinical depression or BPD, which is nice I suppose. I would classify myself as emotionally dead, and overly analytical, Which does not really work, as I am so far from being on the autistic/aspergers spectrum it is....well, not amusing, but certainly incongruous.
I was given the ultra fun label of anti social personality disorder. Which fits on a cognitive level as I am pretty antisocial (I know that is not literally what it means, I am just being flippant). Although I do find it odd I have been referred to a psychotherapist when everything I read about this particular unsavoury label says it is essentially untreatable.
Which is of course feeding into my concern over it being a complete waste of time.
Not sure how I'm feeling. Just seems a little pointless.
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Good to hear from you.
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I had this therapy when I was about 18/19 and personaly it didn't work for me, but I can be very hostile towards therapists and so I probably didn't give it the proper due consideration. If you go in with an open mind I think that'd help, and just see how it goes, see what you think. Often I think the success of these things can depend upon the relationship you build with the therapist and I didn't get on with mine for this particular type of therapy, so obv that was a barier
Let us know how you get on! :-) :hug1:
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Louise,
I just noticed your thread and wanted to say that yes I have had experience of psychoanalytic therapy. I accessed this therapy privately - I understood it was rare to have long term therapy on the NHS now (eg beyond one year). Psychoanalytic therapy does address emotional distress in some depth. The therapist has usually been trained as an analyst, a long term and expensive training, they are interested in everything that goes on between you in the therapy relationship. They also will look out for things that you don't say, and wish to access feelings that are unconscious, not known to you at the time but coming out in things you say or patterns of behaviour. It is often through understanding the unconscious meanings that you are meant to come to new insights and realisations that free you from the distress. The therapist doesn't judge but personally I found his manner quite detached and cold. Sessions are at least once a week, in psychoanalysis (on which this is based) it used to be more like two or more times a week. The therapist does offer a safe space, there were silences I remember often and at times I wanted the therapist to say far more than he did. I wasn't allowed to contact him between sessions unless it was something practical about arrangements/our regular slot. I saw him for 18 months and ended with him because it wasn't the right match (he also didn't agree with me continuing to self harm outside sessions, said that it threatened the work together). Sessions are always 50 minutes. I think the relationship is key, even though a psychoanalytic therapist may be less warm and available than someone like a person centred counsellor.
As for antisocial personality disorder, this is just a label, it doesn't define you. It isn't a nice label to be given and perhaps you should ask for an explanation of this. No label is nice though, I have a diagnosis of BPD and find it really upsetting at times. Personality disorder is usually applied to us when we can't be fitted into other categories like depression and anxiety.
Do let me know if you have more questions about the therapy process.