Author Topic: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2 *posts may trigger*  (Read 139598 times)

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Offline amysole

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #70 on: February 03, 2010, 04:53:31 PM »
 :trig:

Hi peeps! Quick outline for you. Not much detail as i'm still trying to remember things myself.

I started SH when I was 14/15 (now 26). I remember very little from my childhood. It's like a locked door every time I try to remember anything that might help to explain why I SH. I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 and the SH began in earnest. I was told I was manipulative, attention seeking or possessed by the very people who were in a position to help me.

When I was 17 I got into a relationship that was abusive emotionally, sexually and physically. I finally got the courage to break away after 2 years and numerous visits to a&e. I began to slowly piece my life back together and the SH decreased dramatically.

Then 2 years ago I had another relationship that followed a similar pattern to the first. This time I involved the police and I have had no further contact. However, I was working 60 hours a week, a voluntary job 4 hours a week minimum on top of the stress I was already experiencing. This eventually lead to further admissions to a&e on almost a weekly basis until I gave in and allowed my GP to sign me off work last April.

I haven't worked since. I was made redundant in October and have been on ESA since. I am now living with my new partner who is amazingly supportive, I'm on regular medication for anxiety and depression and on the waiting list for psychotherapy. I still SH and have difficulties with nightmares and flashbacks. And I still have a big black hole that should be my childhood that terrifies me.

Sorry if its a bit vague and rambly.

Take care guys!
 :hug1:

steve h

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #71 on: February 10, 2010, 09:34:33 PM »
Hi I'm 20 and thought I might as well sign up to tell my story after lurking for so long.  :trig:

I started self harm when I was 13. My Mum and Dad used to hit me because I was always bad (since I was about 4 as far as I could remember). I realised I needed to toughen up when I was about 5 so just learnt to grit my teeth and started taking it out on others (yes I became a bully). When I was 11 I knew that I couldn't mess my high school up or I would never be able to move away from every thing. So just built every thing up inside for about 2 years when I first starting b**ning myself and thinking of diffrent ways of suicide that were 100%. My Mum was diagnosed with Depression which put more pressure on me (basically I became a adult over night). Nobody ever knew or found out about my SH. I'm dyslexic and found school very stressfull and just separated myself from every one so I didn't hurt them to. But my older brother (is 3 years older than me) would always find it fun annoying me and making my life worse. Due to sharing the same small bedroom for so long I just hated him and had stabbed him once and had thrown knifes at him to.

When I was 15 (still no friends) I just hated every one but stayed quiet so no one talked to me but this gave me a chance to get my GCSEs done. Which I successfully did only to find out they were a waste of time. I went to collage but had stopped SH.

Then finely I moved to Liverpool away from every one. I was happy for about 2 years doing a good apprenticeship until a uncle who lived up the road from me died (I had only ever talked to him about things over a pint) But only ever got to speak to him a bit because he worked away. Then about 1 month later I had a bike crash. I ended up under a car and the bike I had finished 1 week be for after a respray and had almost worked on it 1 year (my only thing I have ever managed to love) destroyed and taken away. When I went to Hospital, after hearing the paramedics saying I was a possible fatality the nurses phoned my Mum and Dad. By the time I managed to phone them up to say don't bother coming to the hospital they were already about 50-60 miles from home so only about 10 miles left  :( . It turned out that my dad was sympathetic and Mum turned the entire situation towards her and that's it. She was all ME, ME, ME  :banghead: made me feel like SH** and when every one left me  I started SH again.Then all the paperwork and stress after was so difficult to cope with I found it hard.

I don't even know what I'm thinking any more. Today I collapsed in collage and was sent to hospital. I was asked loads of questions but wasn't sure bout how to answer ( I collapsed/blacked out and hit my head on a load of bricks) so acted even more confused until they let me go and didn't ask me about the scars and marks. I wrote most of this, this morning and this second half really pis*** so don't expect much  :doh: might finish this off properly soon ?

Offline irish_dancing94

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #72 on: February 28, 2010, 03:55:26 AM »

 :trig: started shing when i was 14, i just started out scratching my arms and it felt really good and made me feel less stressed (have a LOT of family issues, ie abuse [emotional and physical], etc ). it soon wasn't enough to just scratch and i wanted more, so i did worse scratches, and then again i needed something more.

i suppose it really started when i accidently cut myself shaving, which is strange so i've been told by a friend (also a sh-er), but i suppose everyone has their diff ways. firstly i was scared of what i was doing, scared of getting infected, diseases etc, but then as it got worse i just didn't care, it made me feel better, so it felt worth it. I didnt realise what i was getting myself into, i'd become so dependent on it it scared me.
i went through a rough patch where i sh-ed almost every night, and i felt bad for it, and i was scared people were going to find out, and then think i was attention seeking, when in reality i didn't want anyone to know at all.
i haven't told a gp, support line, anything except here. i once spoke to an online councellor on childline who wasn't very helpful and was more interested into moving onto the person person because there was 'people online waiting to speak', i just felt alone.
things have gotten worse in my family recently, and at new years it reached its peak.
30th december 2009, i got home after a massive row with family and a very emotional time, i cut hard, it was almost uncontrollble, and my tool was a lot sharper than my usuals, so i forgot and cut so deep i was so terrified, and i went into shock.
thats when my mum realised for sure that i sh-ed, because i had to tell  her there and then (even though i made up a story of how it happened) but she rang her friend whos a nurse and she told us what to do and then patched me up the next day, saying 'it's not quite to the bone', which scared me, because when i did it i was crying so much it was almost out of control.

after that,  mum told everyone and anyone that i cut, including tell my dad to 'hide all the tools and tool, she's suicidal' which scared him alot.
i've moved in at dads because he was more understanding, although, he thinks it was a one off, but mum knows its more longterm, but shes confused me because she says 'i know, i've seen marks before' but she didn't do anything, so now im judged whenever we go to see family, etc and i dont know who to talk to normally and who to avoid and it really hurts me, she told my grandma too, who'sthe last person i wanted to know, i love her so much :(
but ive been at dads since it happened, so two months and things are SO bad, everythings got worse and i'm not a confident chatty young girl anymore, i'm withdrawn and its affecting my school work, and i have gcses very soon, so its bad.
i haven't cut since 30th dec 2009, but i keep getting really bad moments where i almost do, or it'll just cut the top layer of skin and i'll somehow stop.
it's scary but it's like at the moments where i want to cut most atm, there's something stopping me from doing it, i promised mum, dad and dads gf (had similar experiences) that i wouldnt do it anymore because they made me, even though i explained its not that hard, but they dont get it.
i feel so detatched and im worried because things are so bad atm i dont want to ruin it all.
but i duno what to do about anything!
dad and his gf broke up and she was my rock, the one person i needed and she's left :(
i had a blood test 2 days ago and its really freaked me out, even though they didnt find out i sh-ed, but it was scary because (i'm going to sound mad) but i'd  got it in my head that nothing was going to deliberately hurt me(including myself) and thiswas helping me to stop sh-ing and now that somebody deliberatly made me bleed and took my blood its gone all weird, ahh idk :(
and also, im so obsessed with self preservation, my ocd is out of hand, i dont know what to do with myself.
i'm also getting my urge to drink more back, and depression etc, but im too scared im bother the doctors cus im there for back problems atm, and im only15!! so silly.

sorry this has turned into a rant about my life, but it's .. kind of helped, i don't know really, so much missing, but quite a bit down, so thereeee you go xxxxxxxxxxxx xxx xxx xxx
Tomorrow is another day.
Oh how I hope you'll always stay.
Spread your wings and fly away.

sweetsilence

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #73 on: March 05, 2010, 05:10:49 PM »
Here goes.

 :trig:

The first time I can remember SH was when I was 16. I had a massive argument with my mum and ran up to my bedroom, sat behind the door and grabbed the first sharp thing that came to hand and started to scratch my wrist. The argument blew over, and I thought nothing more of. Didn't hurt myself deliberately for the next two years, even though I was failing school and f***ing up my future.

I managed to get into university and so off I trotted when I was 18, expecting a world of fun, new friends and for some reason, a happier, more adult more. It didn't happen; I have only myself to blame for it as I had too high hopes. My flatmates ignored me most of the time, my course mates only spoke to me when they had to, I hated my course and I hated being away from home. I started to SH again. Having completely my own space (en suite bathroom) meant I could do what I want, when I wanted, and by the end of my time there I was SHing up to three times a day. The cross roads came when I phoned my best friend on the way home from town, and she cried down the phone because I sounded so down and was near sui. That night, I went out and got so trashed I couldn't walk properly with my flatmates, ended up losing them and having to find someone I very vaguely knew from a random night out to help me home (had spent nearly £30 on booze - all I'd bought out - I was in no state to try and get any more out!). I made it back to campus and got to the front of my flat door; before turning around. I believe the main idea in my head was "f*** them. They don't care about me, I'll show them..." I ended up on the busiest road in my quiet uni town, waiting for a fast enough car to jump in front of. Dumbest suicide attempt ever! After an hour I was cold, bored and still very upset so I took myself off to the campus nurse and stayed with them for the night. I was meant to be referred to the doctors surgery on campus, but I ignored their calls. Instead of getting help, I dropped out and returned home.

The SH stopped for a while, in the honeymoon period of being home. I soon found a job as a healthcare assistant on an admissions unit. Loved the patients, hated the nurses! Day after day, we'd have people with random illnesses come in, ranging from broken legs to suspected (and confirmed) cancer. We were a holding bay, if you will, until the patients got a bed on the ward that dealt with their specific illness. We also had to deal with mental health patients; a fair few schizophrenics off their medications and a handful of attempted suicides. They got to me, in that awful "God, that seems like a plan... now if only you'd done this differently..." kind of ways. I remembering thinking - after a patient with a healthy, functioning family unit came in who'd ODed  - well, they have a family, kids, a dog... they have more than me, what made their life so bad? Surely mine is worse? Back to the suicidal thoughts. I left that job soon after that, ran away from another one rather than getting help.

I decided I was going back to education, to follow my dream (psychology). In the mean time though, I spent the summer making friends and influencing people  :;): and generally had a thoroughly good time. The SH remained though, even though it was just once or twice a fortnight. I eventually confided in a mate about my SH. He flipped out and told my best friend and then spent the next three months trying to convince me to go to a doctor. Every time he pressured me to see someone, the less I wanted to do it. My best mate (who knows exactly how I work!) told him to back off and I'd eventually sort it myself... And I did. I went to the GP, and got a referral to counselling. Did I take it? No.  :sb:

As college started, I had a very bad patch, SHed nearly every day solid for a month, didn't go into college unless I really had to, until I bucked up and realised that I had to work for what I wanted. The SH died down and over the Christmas period I was SH free for 11 weeks :) Unfortunately, my Dad announced that he's being posted to Afghanistan in May which put an end to the SH free me. I can't take him being away, I'm a proper Daddys girl! I'm dreading him going. At least when he went to Iraq I hadn't started SH and wasn't depressed so I just got on with it. I was only 13 then...

Back to the now. Communication has broken down with the guy who spent a lot of time and energy to get me to the GP... Mainly because he himself struggles with MH problems and is losing touch at the moment, and I can't support him and myself without one of us going down. Harsh, but it's just how I see it at the moment - Any help I try to give him gets thrown back into my face, which sends me free falling and into SH, so it's just.. easier, I guess, to just let him do it. God, I feel awful for saying that! I am struggling with college work; the thought of my Dad being in a war zone for 4 and a half months; preparing for Uni again; starting a relationship with the guy I like; learning to drive; my body image (I'm not anorexic but I certainly display the tendancies - I hate it when I eat more than x number of calories a day, I count them obsessively, I exercise and I am obsessed with my body image) and countless other things. Generally, I'm quite the little screw up! I can't help myself, let alone try and help someone else. Since the news that my Dad is being posted, I've SHed about four times. I'd like to say the suicidal thoughts have gone... but they haven't. I've just realised that right now, I'd be hurting more people than it's worth. I don't want to go back to the GP, because I'm worried they'll either whack me on some anti-depressants or they'll tell me to get out because I rejected their help last time.

That turned out longer than I expected. I was feeling a bit... iffy before I started writing this, and I feel a bit triggered from writing it, but I think it's been a little cathartic, at least..

 :icon_arrow: edited
« Last Edit: April 14, 2010, 01:34:04 PM by Alison »

Offline misfit

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #74 on: March 31, 2010, 08:10:00 PM »
 :trig: Hey i started sh'ing when i was 16 and i was in my AS level at school, i struggled with all my work and i just ket everything get on top of me and thats when it started. I felt like i had noone to talk to my friends wernt the type of people that would talk about your feelings to and i can't talk to my mum about most things. I failed my AS levels which made me worse, so i retook them at A level and about 3 months before the exams they sent a letter home telling my parents thats i would fail so i was not being entered which hit me even harder.

During the time i was at school, i really needed to talk to someone so i wrote a letter to a teacher i got on really well with she was lovely and would talk to me whenever i needed. She sent me to the school councillor who was useless when i didnt understand a question she shouted at me for no apparent reason so i stopped going. After coming in drunk to school (stupid i know) my teacher decided i needed more help so they sorted out for me to go to a councillor which i did till i was 18 (it was a adolecent place) i didnt find them really helpful but i got out of lessons going!

After school i got a job which was ok but by then i just felt down all the time at 19 i was put on anti depprestants but i felt they didnt help me at all so after a while i just stopped taking them. 4 years ago i ended up getting a job that i love but the stress of it didnt help with my SH. After getting very drunk at a work do i ended up sleeping with my boss which made work hard. about a year ago i also saw my boss beat up his girlfriend, which i think affected me as much as her. now im just trying no to get stressed with work but i think after so long of Sh'ing (im 25 now) i don't know if the urges will ever go away.

Sorry my problems seems cr*p compared to other peoples i just wanted to share
xx
xx

SarahBella

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #75 on: April 14, 2010, 01:02:21 PM »
 :trig:

Okay, Hi, when I read other peoples stories, I don’t feel so alone, I have friends who SH jus because of the stereotype 'depressed emo kid’ I SH when I get really angry, it’s usually over silly little things but at the time it’s massive to me. My mum views this forum when I do cut myself and the times that she’s aware of, she feels so upset, she sort of wants to read other peoples stories. She doesn’t know my whole story. I can’t find the words to tell her, I hope she reads this.

I first did it in year 7, I was about 11/12 (14 now) it was a Sunday night, I had suffered bulling my whole life, I went to a middle school where the kids actually set up a website about me and it had embarrassing photos, things id done, just little stupid things, but after a while even the school said there’s nothing else we can do, your going to have to leave. So I did, so, the next Monday I was starting a new school. she Sunday night before, I had argued with my parents about starting this new school and mum was going into hospital on my first day at this new school, I was pretty upset. My first intention was to draw blood and I was just scratching my arms till they bled, and ended up doing a chicken scratch. My first day at my new school was scary, I was painfully shy and scared to say anything that may cause me to make enemies before I settled in, I jus sat there quietly. I met a girl, she was the first person to speak to me, she was funny, she was cool, she was pretty and really kind, and she was an emo. We fell out allot and I learned that emos like rock-ish music and are usually depressed. I also found out they sometimes cut themselves. I was all of these things but just didn’t have the name 'emo' attached. This girl didn’t cut herself. She didn’t know I had hurt myself. Me and this girl fell out and soon nearly my whole year hated me, my mum suggested I joined a club so that I had some friends, I joined the air cadets, I still go there, I love it, something to focus on.

I came home from school and told my mum I was a emo, mum didn’t know that emos cut them selves, she went on YouTube and saw some videos about emos that were really taking the p** and then mum learned that emos cut themselves, she didn’t know about the chicken scratch and said, the moment I find out your cutting yourself I demand you stop bin g a emo. I was thinking, if only you knew me mum, I wouldn’t have to wear long jumpers to hide my arms. Anyways, I and that girl kept falling out and I get upset and cut my arms. Id wear a bandage under my school jumper, just so the fabric didn’t get in, and tell the kids and teacher I had shut it in  a car door. This went on right up to the end of year 8 when my mum threatened to walk out during an argument, I told her about it, well screamed it at her, and she rang and told my head of year, Mr. Radcliffe, he’s left and retired now, I had him for geography the next day, he said that I should stop, and I was a beautiful and attractive girl and in a few years I wouldn’t want the scars to show in  the summer or on holiday at the beach. I didn’t really care what he had to say and I was upset my mum had even said this to him and I felt she was telling him my personal life. So I had a tool in my pencil case and I went to the toilet and cut my arms again, it hurt, but I forgot who she had told or why, 100% pain was all I focused on.

I had my 13+ admissions test for grammar school and I had a lot of pressure, I studied for that at home, I had been jumped at school and had a massive bruise on my face and couldn’t go back until the bruise had gone. I failed that test. I had been selected for my early SATS too. More pressure. I cut my arms over that too. I finished year 8 covered with scars. I stared Minster College in the September, and this was the only year 9-11 School on the island, everyone from the middle schools came here, I was faced with the people that I had left to get away from. I hurt myself over fear of what was coming; I got suspended lot for fighting. My mum took me to the doctors and I got referred to a child phyc and after about 6 months I got diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome. I had counseling and I didn’t really understand what the counseling did but I still went for it.

I had yet another family argument and this was the first time I ever cut my wrist, my mum came up and tried to stop me but id already done it. She tried to clean it but I wouldn’t let her anywhere near it, so she called dad in to try and help get me downstairs. She was going to clean it with salt***er but I wouldn’t let her, she got so upset and threw the pot at me and went outside for a fag and then she cried. Time went on and the self harm progressed.

Year 10; I had a best friend. She was great, she lived just round the corner and I practically lived at her house, I told her everything, we fell out a lot but mates always do. She made new mates and left me out. Her new mates chose who she was mates with and they didn’t like me so they didn’t let her hang out with me. She told them everything, what was in my diary, the times I ran away; I nearly stabbed my mum with a tool. She caused £1,500 worth of damage to my house, kicking my wall down, putting my windows through etc. we made up, then fell out and made up again, then fell out, anyways, it went on for a while and then up till about 3 weeks ago, she told me to cut my wrists and die, so I cut my wrists and waited. I wanted to write the word HATE but I finished H and realized. This is what she wants. Me to leave a scar, dedicated to her……I don’t think so. That took ages to heal. Then 2 days ago, I argued over something silly with mum and dad so I got my tool box out, found a suitably sharp tool and just cut. Put on my iPod and jus went for it, showing myself no mercy.

Sorry it’s a bit long, but I feel better now. I hope my mum reads this.

 :icon_arrow: edited
« Last Edit: April 14, 2010, 01:29:29 PM by Alison »

Offline xhannahx

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #76 on: April 15, 2010, 04:50:34 PM »
sorry that this is long but its mainly for my own sake by trying to discover why im fighting the help and support im being given. please feel free to read but it is long and  :trig:   


so on the outside my life appeared perfect! loving family and step families, amazing friends, amazing opportunites being thrown my way, i was a dancer, people were jealous of how confident i was. I was the perfect child for my mum. I lived up to her expectations daily and made sure i pleased everyone i met. yeah, my parents were divorced and remarried but I seemed fine so nobody worried about it. I had a half baby brother when i was 13. He became the reason why i dont give up with living. My older brother was like a friend to me. So everyone seemed happy.

In reality, in my head, things were far from this.

My mum and dads divorce led me to comfort eat at 8 years old making my nearly emaciated childs body (danced for 20 each week and my body just never got chance to gain weight) bigger and i wasnt comfortable with this and everyone else made it clear that they weren't either, particularly my grandma and grandad. they still make digs at me whenever they can.

I kept smiling and led everyone to believe it was all good and life was perfect.

I got a new stepdad who i lived with and my dad married meaning i had a stepmum. Big changes were taking place but i kpet holding onto the idea of my mum and dad getting back together but i saw it quickly slip away.   I stopped dancing due to injury and i gained a lot of weight.

All whilst i hated myself more and more and began to develop feelings of true hatred towards myself. I despised everything about me.

My mum and step dad split up and divorced and all along i had to keep one of my mums secrets from everyone but pretend i was fine. I was far from coping and together with my self hatred and low self esteem and confidence i discovered bulimia. I could keep binging but then i could get rid of it. My life had spiralled out of my control and i couldnt do anything to change what was happening around me but i controlled this and I was happy for a short time. Quickly, it dominated my life!

It led onto a diet which i restricted more and more each week until i was barely eating and even going several days without food before giving in and binging and purging. I was in a cycle and i couldnt get out so i kept on with it. My friends noticed me not eating at school and being good nice friends made me aware of their concern and told me they would tell the teachers. I couldnt allow this to happen. The teachers would take the only bit of control i had in my life so i began to eat again, purging most of it.

i hated myself even more for lying to people but i lied to protect them from the hurt they would feel.

I argued with a *friend* (if thats what you can call it!!) and i reached for a hair clip and scratched FAT into my arm. I recoiled in horror at what i had done to myself. If i could go back to that day and not do it, i would. I told my self it was a one off thing. I told myself that everytime i did it after.
I purged less and less but SH'd more and more.

I discovered tools...

i felt in control of it. how many i did, how deep, how long. I told myself i could stop but i knew i couldnt.

My grandad died after a long long battle with illness. I layed by his side for 3 days and left him 1 hours before he passed away. I cried every night for 2 months but i didnt cut once.

AS exams pressure was way too much stress and SH'ing became a way to cope with it. I lost control and i cut my arm far worse than ever before. The pain lasted for days after but i couldnt stop doing it.

But i stopped it and managed it to small cuts keeping it under control.

February 8/9th = coursework deadline!!

the pressure of this was far too much for me to bear and i lost the control! everyday after for 2 months i SH'd even overdosing at one point to not have to feel the emotional pain for a little while.

I was scared! I had the ability to hurt myself severely. My arms were ruined. What else did i have the potential to do? Suicide?

I decided i needed help. I emailed my teacher who took me under her wing and told me i will be ok. together we met with the counsellor who helped me a lot. She was leaving her job though and after 6 sessions she left. I cried. I miss her. She saved me from myself on exam results day because i was such a bad state. she cared about me even though she didnt need to.

together me and my counsellor told my mum who then told my GP on my behalf. I now am under the primary care mental health team.

I have the support from the few friends that know, my teachers, my GP, my mum, the mental health team yet im resisting it so much. WHY???????

I cant remember what it feels like to be normal and happy and enjoy life. If i give this up i will have no control over my life. my choices and decisions are dominated by someone else everyday.

I am terrified. I dont want to die but I feel it would be best to die because then i dont have to be afraid no more.

I cant remember the last time i felt happy and giving up this bad way of coping with things seems the most obvious thing to do but something inside me wont let me.

I am on the road to recovery, along with those who are supporting me. If i visualise this road i see myself at the very very beginning and i see a windy, long, difficult road. All those who are supporting seem to be further ahead than me and expect me to be with them but something is keeping me at the beginning and i just want to get to the end of this road and be happy again.

so thats pretty much my story!

if you actually read this then i thankyou a hell of a lot because i really didnt expect anybody to read this because it was purely for myself and i didnt expect people to waste their time with my story! xxxxx


Jean

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #77 on: April 18, 2010, 11:03:57 PM »
 :trig:

I haven't been on here for over a year, I don't know why I still SH (find it hard to say or type) but I think I'm scared of admitting anything.  But for some reason today I want to tell my story.

I had a very happy childhood, stable family, great time at school and a hobby that I was lucky enough to turn into my vocation.  Which always leads me to ask the question why?  Whenever I did something my parents didn't agree with I used to stare at myself in the mirror, tears streaming down my face and slap myself around my face really hard time and time again.  But I never thought this was unusual or that there was anything wrong with me.

I went to uni and had an amazing time and was so happy. Afterwards I went to dance school to train as a dance teacher and dancer.  It was there that I started cutting myself.  The first time was on Christmas Day and I have no idea why.  Then gradually it was because I had was not perfect at dance school (a very demanding environment) or that things had gotten on top of me and I didn't know how to cope.  I relished in the fact that no one knew what I was doing, it was my little secret.  However people did find out as parading about in leotards and tights makes most of your limbs visible. 

I have since graduated and now run a successful dance company.  But I still occasionally self harm, again I don't know why and I can't verbally talk to anyone about it. 

Thank you for reading. xxxx 

Offline ickle pixie

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #78 on: April 22, 2010, 01:18:35 AM »
 :trig:
I'm not sure how to put all my story into words. I'm 19 and have been self harming for about 5 years now.
I started because i just couldn't cope with the bullying at school and thought it was the best way to vent my frustration as i had no other way of doing it. My teacher noticed and i then had to go to a school councellor but since i was under 16 they could call my parents at any time. The last straw came when she threatened to do so. After this i just got better at hiding it.
The first time i actualy tried to kill myself i was 16 and just been through a bad time with a partner and couldn't cope. I took way to many pills and was starting on my wrists when i realised what i was doing and stopped myself. This carried on for a few weeks and it wasn't unti i found myself at the top of a bridge ready to jump that i realised i need to do something. Que doctors.... who as i was under 18 did nothing.
That was 2 years ago and i am still Shing most of the time generally on a twice daily basis just so i am capable of getting through the day. Now i am on AD's though they're not working overally well and the mental health team are trying their best to decide where they think i should be seen.
Now i'm 19 and have 2 diagnosis neither of which i am completley happy with but i think thats more me trying to pretend everything is okay when in reality it probably isnt. I had an assesment with ED department last week so i am waiting to hear from them and until then i don't think the SH will get much better though i can now talk to 2 of my friends about it. I don't know if they understand but they accept me for it and try their best to help as much as possible.
The major thing for me is the guilt of feeling like i do. Guilty for being a burden. Guilty for not being able to "snap out of it". Guilty of dragging people down with me.
So thats my story in a jumbled not very descriptive way but i don't know how to put into words what actually happened because most of it i try not to think about.

"love and loss, truth it costs more than i can spare right now maybe its simpler to lie" <3

Offline azi_maizie

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #79 on: April 28, 2010, 09:43:02 PM »
Hmm... hopefully writing something might help me feel less annoyed at myself at the moment.

:trig:

I know I have less problems than a lot of people here, which is partly why I haven't posted a lot as reading support and suggestions given to other people generally makes me feel better, along with reading distractions, offtopics etc etc.

My life really hasn't been bad, except for one thing when I was 15. First time I lied to my parents about where I was going, what I was doing, whether there would be alcohol etc etc and it ended badly for me. I didn't tell anyone anything and just pushed it to the back of my mind for months. It was Christmas day that year that I suddenly realised it was 6 months exactly since that night... and I started to fall apart. I still didn't tell anyone - I had noone I felt I could tell. Its not that my parents and friends weren't supportive, but I'd just moved schools and grown apart from the mate I went out with that night and just... there just wasn't anyone.

I have a scar on my thumb that I must have got as a kid, it's been there as long as I can remember. Generally I can distract myself from anything more serious by scratching over that scar over and over, noone will notice as it's a scar I've always had.

Anyways, by this point I was at college, and I became really good friends with someone who introduced me to this site as it had really helped her with the problems she had at home. That was the first time I started to talk about things with people, and it got a lot better. After A levels, I took a year out and I worked 10 hours a day to earn enough money to go to Africa - something I'd always wanted to do. And something I needed to do - I went on my own, I'd decided it was time I "grew up" and learned to go places on my own. The first week I was there I cried non-stop and didn't dare to call home because I knew I'd cry over the phone to my mum and end up going home before I'd even properly begun my 3month trip. At the end of that week some other girls came to stay in the same house and we got on really well, I pulled myself together, "grew up" as intended and had an awesome time. When I got back home I only had a couple of weeks before uni started. After that first week in Africa I didn't even think about hurting, I was too busy and having too much fun (proof distractions do work maybe?). Until a couple of months ago, none of this had crossed my mind for about a year.

Aaaand now I'm in my second year at uni, studying medicine. I want to be able to help people in a way I know so many doctors fail at (who knows if I'll do any good at it). The second year is supposedly the hardest on the course. I can see why. I am struggling big-time now. I am working as hard as I can, concentrating for as many hours a day as I can and I don't seem to be getting anywhere. Beginning to think I'm just not cut out for this. And been arguing with the boyfriend from home too, I do not have time for him to come stay at the moment and he doesn't get it... which doesn't help. Bleh, maybe I should just hurry up and fail my exams so my stress goes away and I don't need to think about any of this anymore. And now I've wasted even more time on here and typing all this out while I should have been studying... I really don't help myself! Ugh, going to be quiet now.
Do you get, that I don't get the jokes, but I just need to laugh?